Working toward love.
Today went on without a travisty, but little things continue to remind me of his presence. One of my bosses I found out today is a former Marine, and he looks like it too. I told about what had happened and how he is on my bad list now cause you guys all stick together. He told me that this guywas obviously not in the core still because that would not be tolerated and he would be chewed up. Why did I get the one Marine that has a willingness to comit so easily but then flees from the severity of it.
Last night Jon called me while he was on his 15 at work. He wanted to make a deal with me for payment that I had loaned him. He offered me half the money and his big screen tv. He was starting to feel bad for the money and wanted to "do the right thing". I still felt angry by this, because completey willingly I offered to pay his debt and way when he was in need but now that I am out of the job he cant even be there for me? I told him I did not want his tv but the portion of money would help. We then bickered about him takng my mattress pad, leaving the box spring, and leaving both of his mattresses. I also told him that he needed to get his stuff our of my house. He told me that he left me his mattress cause they were in better shape, but if he just wants me to get out of his life why does he want to keep giving me crap of his. I told him that I still wanted to work on the relationship and how I did not want to give up, but that we both needed to start making changes. If I get a job in Orlando, it will make some of the decisions a lot easier and might help the turmoil situation.
Later that night I went out with the girls and I was having a blast with them at the bar, until I saw a girl walk in with a heels and a white veil. It was her Bachelorette party and that reminded me of what I could of had. I choked up a little and tears started to form. Its those moments that I feel like I might loose my composure and cry. Luckily I didn't. I did however text jon about being drunk at the bar. Probably not my best move but I still want him as a friend and for him to be there for me. He texted back "Grow Up". That statement really hurt. I am the one at the bar with friends my own age having a good time and he is the one that is 27 years old hanging out with 19 year olds trying to act young. Seriously I need to grow up? We talked back and forth here and there throughout the night. As we were driving home he called me at 4:oo am in the morning asking what I was doing. I told him we were driving home. I think he wanted me to be in Orlando to hang out. I was unsure if he wanted me to hang out with him at the frat house? or just him and I?I know once Jon and I start seeing each other face to face both sides of our insecurities will subside because we will believe in the other person agian, right now its the old saying "Out of sight, out of mind"
My feelings toward Jon today are mixed. I helped him out of the goodness of my heart when he needed me the most both physically, emotionally, and financially but now that tides have turned he hasnt really made any huge effort for me. He is starting to loose his chivalrous manner and is turing into one of "those guys"
Jon: you mean the world to me and I hope that we can work through these difficulties.
Saturday, January 30, 2010
Learning to live again
Saturday, January 30, 2010
It has been one week since my world has been turned upside down and I am learning my new growth process from within. Over the Winter Break I was engaged to the love of my life and ready to start settling down for the rest of our lives. The engagement started out rough and we should have looked at the cautionary signs. Right off the bat we had difficulties with our view points and the alignment of our families. He is a Former Marine, Catholic, and moved down to Florida to further his education. He comes from a split family that extends from LA to PA. I however am the only daughter from Methodist parents that have been married for over 30 years.
Our romance started with a look at a house party. He was new and I saw him standing on the wall not really interacting with anyone but just taking it all in. I promptly introduced myself and told him that we would date. He didn't believe me ; -).
Over the next year we would find ourselves finding time to see each other at work, talk, and flirt (although we were not allowed to) and on one hot summer night he called me up and asked me out. At that point I was elated that he had asked me and wanted to see something more than just a friend with me.
We dates secretly and only allowed a handful of our friends to know that we hung out outside of work but never revealed our true romance. He became my best friend and someone that I truly rely on for my life decisions.
I regretfully pushed him to propose to me sooner than we probably should have and this is where we are at right now. After the proposal the heavy questions ensued. We had problems with what church to get married in. Catholic or Methodist. He has been raised Catholic his whole life and truly believes in the catholic doctrine but does not attend mass regularly. However I do attend church regularly but not the same church. I enjoy finding new meanings and perspectives to the Christianity beliefs. My parents wanted me to get married in the church that they were married in 30+ years ago of which my late grandmother helped build.
Over the one month engagement period we did nothing but bicker and try to poke jabs at each other. We started picking fights that we wanted to control and see the other bend instead of listening and compromising. He threw himself in with his buddies and school where I became obsessed with wedding planning and having the perfect wedding. I had found my prince Eric (I am a red head so I assimilate with the Little Mermaid) and I wanted that fairytale ending.
However a week ago Jon had had enough with where we were headed and decided to walk out on me. He packed his things without warning and left without even leaving a note. I returned home last Saturday to an empty house with bare walls and my heart ripped out of me. I fell to the floor crying in desperation and not believing what I had just seen. I couldn't believe he could just walk out and not talk to me about this before. I needed answers and he wasn't ready to give them to me. He left me and moved into his fraternity house.
That was a week ago and I have been trying to come to terms with this major adjustment in my life. I figured I could dive into my work, I am a third grade teacher at a local charter school. I took this past Monday off to compose myself so I wouldn't be so weepy in front of the children. My best friend and her roommate took me out and we did a lot of girl things that day, including me chopping off my long red hair to a spunky bob cut. Well when I got back on Tuesday I was told by my administration that my job was being eliminated on Friday and I was being laid off! The asst. principal was trying to be cute and said "well when one door closes another one opens, so how is the wedding planning going?" I about lost it but tried to quickly to get it together. I simply replied "well if you must know my fiance walked out on me this weekend and I am not sure what I am going to do." Was that not a shock for her, she did nothing but apologize for the remaining three days.
So far I have learned that love is a process and it will happen when it is suppose to. It is always to have family there when you are down, and amazing friends that tell you what you want to hear that your parents just don't always understand. I learned that although I am still angry that Jon did not talk to me about this before leaving, I still love him and want what is best for him. I think we are both trying to figure out if we still are in love with each other and we are willing to work through our hurdles to have a life time of happiness.
Phrase: Laugh a little more, love a little harder, and never take life for granted!
It has been one week since my world has been turned upside down and I am learning my new growth process from within. Over the Winter Break I was engaged to the love of my life and ready to start settling down for the rest of our lives. The engagement started out rough and we should have looked at the cautionary signs. Right off the bat we had difficulties with our view points and the alignment of our families. He is a Former Marine, Catholic, and moved down to Florida to further his education. He comes from a split family that extends from LA to PA. I however am the only daughter from Methodist parents that have been married for over 30 years.
Our romance started with a look at a house party. He was new and I saw him standing on the wall not really interacting with anyone but just taking it all in. I promptly introduced myself and told him that we would date. He didn't believe me ; -).
Over the next year we would find ourselves finding time to see each other at work, talk, and flirt (although we were not allowed to) and on one hot summer night he called me up and asked me out. At that point I was elated that he had asked me and wanted to see something more than just a friend with me.
We dates secretly and only allowed a handful of our friends to know that we hung out outside of work but never revealed our true romance. He became my best friend and someone that I truly rely on for my life decisions.
I regretfully pushed him to propose to me sooner than we probably should have and this is where we are at right now. After the proposal the heavy questions ensued. We had problems with what church to get married in. Catholic or Methodist. He has been raised Catholic his whole life and truly believes in the catholic doctrine but does not attend mass regularly. However I do attend church regularly but not the same church. I enjoy finding new meanings and perspectives to the Christianity beliefs. My parents wanted me to get married in the church that they were married in 30+ years ago of which my late grandmother helped build.
Over the one month engagement period we did nothing but bicker and try to poke jabs at each other. We started picking fights that we wanted to control and see the other bend instead of listening and compromising. He threw himself in with his buddies and school where I became obsessed with wedding planning and having the perfect wedding. I had found my prince Eric (I am a red head so I assimilate with the Little Mermaid) and I wanted that fairytale ending.
However a week ago Jon had had enough with where we were headed and decided to walk out on me. He packed his things without warning and left without even leaving a note. I returned home last Saturday to an empty house with bare walls and my heart ripped out of me. I fell to the floor crying in desperation and not believing what I had just seen. I couldn't believe he could just walk out and not talk to me about this before. I needed answers and he wasn't ready to give them to me. He left me and moved into his fraternity house.
That was a week ago and I have been trying to come to terms with this major adjustment in my life. I figured I could dive into my work, I am a third grade teacher at a local charter school. I took this past Monday off to compose myself so I wouldn't be so weepy in front of the children. My best friend and her roommate took me out and we did a lot of girl things that day, including me chopping off my long red hair to a spunky bob cut. Well when I got back on Tuesday I was told by my administration that my job was being eliminated on Friday and I was being laid off! The asst. principal was trying to be cute and said "well when one door closes another one opens, so how is the wedding planning going?" I about lost it but tried to quickly to get it together. I simply replied "well if you must know my fiance walked out on me this weekend and I am not sure what I am going to do." Was that not a shock for her, she did nothing but apologize for the remaining three days.
So far I have learned that love is a process and it will happen when it is suppose to. It is always to have family there when you are down, and amazing friends that tell you what you want to hear that your parents just don't always understand. I learned that although I am still angry that Jon did not talk to me about this before leaving, I still love him and want what is best for him. I think we are both trying to figure out if we still are in love with each other and we are willing to work through our hurdles to have a life time of happiness.
Phrase: Laugh a little more, love a little harder, and never take life for granted!
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