Working toward love.

Today went on without a travisty, but little things continue to remind me of his presence. One of my bosses I found out today is a former Marine, and he looks like it too. I told about what had happened and how he is on my bad list now cause you guys all stick together. He told me that this guywas obviously not in the core still because that would not be tolerated and he would be chewed up. Why did I get the one Marine that has a willingness to comit so easily but then flees from the severity of it.

Last night Jon called me while he was on his 15 at work. He wanted to make a deal with me for payment that I had loaned him. He offered me half the money and his big screen tv. He was starting to feel bad for the money and wanted to "do the right thing". I still felt angry by this, because completey willingly I offered to pay his debt and way when he was in need but now that I am out of the job he cant even be there for me? I told him I did not want his tv but the portion of money would help. We then bickered about him takng my mattress pad, leaving the box spring, and leaving both of his mattresses. I also told him that he needed to get his stuff our of my house. He told me that he left me his mattress cause they were in better shape, but if he just wants me to get out of his life why does he want to keep giving me crap of his. I told him that I still wanted to work on the relationship and how I did not want to give up, but that we both needed to start making changes. If I get a job in Orlando, it will make some of the decisions a lot easier and might help the turmoil situation.

Later that night I went out with the girls and I was having a blast with them at the bar, until I saw a girl walk in with a heels and a white veil. It was her Bachelorette party and that reminded me of what I could of had. I choked up a little and tears started to form. Its those moments that I feel like I might loose my composure and cry. Luckily I didn't. I did however text jon about being drunk at the bar. Probably not my best move but I still want him as a friend and for him to be there for me. He texted back "Grow Up". That statement really hurt. I am the one at the bar with friends my own age having a good time and he is the one that is 27 years old hanging out with 19 year olds trying to act young. Seriously I need to grow up? We talked back and forth here and there throughout the night. As we were driving home he called me at 4:oo am in the morning asking what I was doing. I told him we were driving home. I think he wanted me to be in Orlando to hang out. I was unsure if he wanted me to hang out with him at the frat house? or just him and I?I know once Jon and I start seeing each other face to face both sides of our insecurities will subside because we will believe in the other person agian, right now its the old saying "Out of sight, out of mind"

My feelings toward Jon today are mixed. I helped him out of the goodness of my heart when he needed me the most both physically, emotionally, and financially but now that tides have turned he hasnt really made any huge effort for me. He is starting to loose his chivalrous manner and is turing into one of "those guys"

Jon: you mean the world to me and I hope that we can work through these difficulties.